If you’re suffering, you suffer alone. There’s no help in this world that can change anything. Only you can save yourself. What do you do when you’ve lost all will to keep fighting though?

If anyone knows me well enough, knows that death terrifies me more than anything in this world; it’s a crippling fear but I don’t know what I’m living for anymore. I feel like my kids, my family, the world, would be better off without me.

I serve no purpose in life, I live each day wishing for something that’s too broken to ever be repaired and I helped destroy it.

I feel like my very existence is an enormous inconvenience and burden on so many.

I don’t want to be here anymore.

Caught in the tornado.

It’s been a little while since I’ve posted. A lot has been going on but I’ve been caught up in the tornado of it all.

I’m not really sure about where to start. Things with my ex are a complete mess. Over the last few months he’s made up numerous girlfriends and dates in attempts to make me jealous and to hurt me. He pushed me as far away as he possibly could.

Tired of being hurt by my ex, I started seeing someone. I’m not really sure where it’s going but he is extremely kind and patient with me.

My ex came to visit last night because his Nan was in hospital and the doctors said everyone should go in and say goodbye. So I let him come over and we talked. He asked me to choose between him and the guy I’ve been seeing.

I messaged him this morning and told him I couldn’t trust him not to hurt me again. A few hours later his Nan passed away.

His Nan is easily the most amazing and strong woman I have ever met. My heart is breaking for her loss and knowing the agony my ex must be in. I feel awful. I want to take all of his pain away, I still care about him, but I know that I can’t go back to him either after everything he has done to me.

I feel like I’m being selfish but I can’t keep sacrificing myself to make his life easier. I matter too.

Am I a terrible person?

I don’t know anymore. I’m just tired of crying. I’m tired of hurting.

Picking up the pieces.

I know now why I keep trying. I know that he’s never going to change his mind and even though I know that my attempts are only going to prove futile, I’m at least feeling something more than the emptiness I feel when I’m not trying.

I also know now that I can’t keep standing here bare foot surrounded by broken glass. I’m never going to get anywhere if I keep stamping my feet and convincing myself that this will all fix itself, it’s only going to keep cutting me deeper. I need to start carefully picking up the pieces so I can move forward.

I’ve lost the person I was in those shards and it’s time for me to accept that’s okay. It’s time for me to make something brand new. Something, someone, stronger.

A vicious cycle.

I just wish I never had to see or speak to him again. Kids make everything so much more complicated. It would be so much easier if I could just cut him out of my life completely.

Any other time I’ve been hurt by someone in my life, I’ve just cut them out completely and cut ties with anyone associated with the person that hurt me. I can’t this time. I love my in laws too much to cut them out and I have no choice but to share my boys with the person who helped me create them. I’m stuck with this man for the rest of my life and it’s not at all in the way I imagined my “forever” with him.

Which then makes me think, since we are going to be in each others lives forever, why isn’t he fighting harder to try and save our marriage? He is stuck with me for the rest of his life too, why is it so easy for him to just give up and let go of 6 years together? Did I really mean so little to him?

How many times does he have to break my heart before I learn that I am nothing to him. He has made it so clear that he doesn’t want to be with me. He’s moved out for fucks sake, yet still I can manage to convince myself that maybe there’s still hope for us. Am I really that deluded? There’s this constant battle going on inside me and it’s tearing me apart and I’m running out of ways to distract myself.

I know I can’t be with him, he has hurt me too many times. I can’t keep forgiving him. I can’t keep letting him in.

Sitting in the dark, I can’t forget.
Even now, I realize the time I’ll never get.
Another story of the bitter pills of fate.
I can’t go back again. I can’t go back again…

Stacey R.

This is letting go.

I’m beginning to accept that this is how my life is going to be, at least for now. I have plans for the near future, trips away by myself, with family and friends and other little things to look forward to.

I’m going to drop the course I was doing, I don’t have the focus to do it at the moment. I signed up to the course because my husband agreed to help me with it, now that I don’t have that support, I’ve fallen too far behind and I really don’t want to stress about it. I have too many emotions to work through now. Once I’m in a better place emotionally and my kids are both in school, I’ll probably look back in to studying.

I’m trying really hard to set myself new goals and plan myself a new future since I’m being forced to let go of the one I wanted. It feels very conflicting, I’m still grieving for a life I thought was guaranteed but I don’t think I’m going to be able to move on if I don’t start setting myself new goals and making these plans.

I feel like I’m giving up but I know I can’t keep sitting here and hoping for things to change. My “ex” has made it abundantly clear that he can’t accept everything that has happened, the things he has done and the things I have done, and has no desire to try marriage counselling. I’ve fought as hard as I could, I gave so many chances and I’ve repeatedly had those chances thrown in my face.

Go on alone, ’cause I won’t follow
This isn’t giving up, no this is letting go
I’ll make the most of all this sorrow
I tried to brave this discontent, but now I’m through
I’m letting go of you.

Stacey R.

32 hours.. but who’s counting?

I think this is the longest stretch I’ve gone without messaging or calling my husband and I am really struggling. I want him to be the one to miss me for a change but I’m so terrified that he won’t.

Every time he’s said we are done I’ve begged for him to reconsider. Hell, I even flew to another state last month where he was away for work to try and get him to reconsider but I ended up spending the night at the airport alone because he wouldn’t come and get me or tell me where he was staying. I told myself that night at the airport that I could never forgive him for leaving me there and I really did feel hate towards him for not coming but the second he tells me he misses me, I welcome him back with open arms.

The idea of being alone and not having the life I imagined for us hurts so much more than anything he’s done to me but I know if I keep letting him play with my heart, it’s going to destroy me.

How do I let go of a life I planned with someone and wanted so desperately? I married him because he was my forever. How do I walk away from that?

Stacey R.

All hope is gone.

It would seem I am back to just being separated again, with no hope of reconciliation. After a month of having no hope, my husband (should I be saying ex? I don’t think I’m quite ready for that, although it would be accurate) last weekend told me he missed me and asked to come see me. I let him come over, we talked and he spent the night. He told me he wanted to try and work on things, but slowly. I married him for the good and the bad and I’m going to fight for all I can to save our marriage, so of course I agreed to this.

He has decided today, only a week later, that he doesn’t want to try anymore. He can’t accept everything that has happened between us and doesn’t want to. I’m not surprised this is happening again but I do hate that I keep letting myself trust him. I must be some type of masochist to keep allowing this to happen. I rely on him too much, I know that. I feel completely and totally lost without him and my days are unbearably long when I don’t speak to him. Is it him I miss or is it just the company?  I’m not sure anymore. He has broken my heart so many times now. Too many times.

I do know that if we didn’t have kids together, I wouldn’t be fighting so hard for this. I would have walked away the very first time he laid a hand on me.

Obviously I don’t want my kids exposed to domestic abuse and violence either but I thought that if my husband and I could just get individual and couples counselling that maybe we could get through all of this. That we could come out better and stronger than ever, but it takes two to save a marriage and my husband has never been willing to work very hard for it.

So here I am. Feeling completely and totally lost again. It never gets easier and it always hurts the same.

Now… now and then, you come around, like there’s something left for me. We were one, oh we were everything. I’m still here… but I’ll just keep the rest of me.

Thanks for reading.

Stacey R.